ROFL!!! am I close to being psychic or what. I open PayPerPost to see what I can post about for $$$$ and guess what one of the available posts was….. OK, that just made my silly Friday. haha!

Here’s something shared by Toni, some Funny stuff!!! Can you think of other things that only happen in the movies?

1. It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or
opposite the building you are visiting.

2. When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a
note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be
the exact fare.

3. Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you
personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

4. Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should
always be closely investigated.

5. Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds.
UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

6. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.

7. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

8. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with
a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German
soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

9. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
Paris.

11. Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often
than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned
a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have
been suspended from duty).

12. Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will
also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

13. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange
noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

14. On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when
food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched
precariously on the dashboard…

15. All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which
will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break,
only fruit will spill out).

16. Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

17. If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts,
your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing
around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their
predecessor.

18. If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

19. Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just
throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

20. All single women have a cat.

21. Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

22. No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal
gravity system is never damaged.

23. If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a
passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

24. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel
to any other part of the building undetected.

25. You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a
picture of your sweetheart back home.

26. Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis.
They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are
friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at
all what the girl does for a living.

27. A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of
a football stadium.

28. It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when
beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be
restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello?
Hello?” repeatedly.

29. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

30. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room
will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

31. Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by
removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

32. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly
gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

33. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on
a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

34. Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.

35. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once.

36. You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

37. Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and
accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

38. In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red
handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

39. All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture
present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to
parties).

40. Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real
life too!).

Never make a woman angry. Women may be the weaker, meeker sex; but women have a vicious temper that is manifested in calculated deliverance.

Hubby always says that about me. I don’t get into petty arguments, I let him win rather than bicker. When he’s being foul, I let him be until his moment has passed. I bid my time. Sometimes I even let a hateful word or a mean streak pass…

Then one day out of the blue, just when he has gotten complacent in the fact that he has somehow gotten away with a misdeed, WHAAM!! No, not in the violent, physical sense. It is usually in the form of the silent treatment or a snide comment seemingly coming out of nowhere that leaves him looking bewildered, scratching his head why the attack happened. He has since learned to live with these episodes….he treads lightly now.

We just figured out this week how early this trait starts developing among girls. My youngest daughter, The Clone, has got it bad.

She got in trouble at school last week. She was cited for fighting. When we received the call from the principal, we could not believe our ears!

We had gotten used to receiving glowing compliments about our girls, this news hit us hard. As hard as if we had been dragged ourselves to the principal’s office to be chastised. The principal said that The Clone has scratched a boy so hard that blood was drawn. She said that The Clone did not give a reason for doing what she did. She was so distraught by the time she got to the office that The Clone told the principal she didn’t want to talk about it.

The Clone is a woman of few words and more of a doer. She has made succinctness into an art, using as few words as possible to relay a story. So it took about a couple of days and lots of cajoling from me to slowly pull the whole story out of her in bits and pieces.

Apparently, this boy has called her a baby and several other names everytime they encountered each other in the past. He is not in her class, he is on the same grade level but has a different teacher so they pass each other occasionally in the hall ways or sometimes happen to be out on the playground at the same time.

On this day last week, she spied him playing with another girl on the playground. He hadn’t spoken to her on that fateful day, but one of her friends told her that the boy called her a baby yet again. Not to her face though, mind you. According to eyewitness account and her eventual confession later under duress, she approached him unprovoked and took a swat at him. Started to walk away but decided it wasn’t enough, so she doubled back and dealt another blow, this time drawing blood. By this time the teachers have gotten ahold of her and pulled her away from him. By the time they got her into the principals office, she had decided to plead the fifth and would not say a word.

By the time we got there to pick her up an hour later, she was in tears before she even got to the car. She knew she was in trouble.

I actually felt bad for her. I didn’t want to beat her up more than she was already beating herself. But she did get lots of talking to from her dad and her sisters. I didn’t really do much more than try to get the story out of her, they had done enough of that for me. I was the good cop.

During the process of rehashing her deed over and over again, we all eventually manage to smile about it. In large part due to the dry wit from the clone herself. Here are a couple more cloneisms.

While trying to draw the story out of her, I was asking her if he came up to her and called her a baby, or if he touched her, or whatever that may have provoked her. She says in her matter of fact voice,

“Well, he’s been doing it a lot before. And I don’t see him often because he’s in the other class. This was my only chance!”

Then later on, when I was telling her good night. I said, ‘night my juvenile delinquent. She said, I’m not!! So I said, well, aren’t bad kids the only ones who get get into fights? So if you got got into a fight with a boy, you must have been a bad girl. She goes…..

I am not! I’m just a good girl who snapped!

:O

I’ve been planning on doing this for a long time. Actually, every time my youngest daughter lets slide one of her wits of wisdom, I always make a ‘note-to-self’ (that’s another Clone-ism term) to write it down in my notebook. Of course due to my Dory like affliction, short term memory loss, I always forget what I’m supposed to write as soon as I walk into the next room where my notebook is.

Because we, just like many parents everywhere, want the girls to be prepared for the real world and because we are just plain scared out of our wits for them sometimes, we tend to get overwinded when imparting our own words of wisdom. Tonight was one of those nights. I had to write this down before I forget the exact words and events that transpired. Hubby and I are still sitting here chuckling over our youngest child.

Partly due to what happened last week (see previous post), hubby was talking to them about following your gut feeling. That if something doesn’t feel right to you, you should start looking around and at the first sign of trouble go the other way. The same thing goes with your gut feelings about people. The two older girls, when subjected to another long sermon, usually take the silent route and just simply say “yes dad”, “we’ll remember, dad”. They are learning fast. They know the less comment and questions they make the quicker these discourses get.

Now the Clone is another matter. For one, she likes having the last word in most discussions. Tonight was no exception. After her dad’s long sermon, and since no q&a session ensued, daddy bid them goodnight and was on his way out the door when he hears this parting shot:

“Daddy, did you have that gut feeling too when you first started smoking?”

Ehmmmm…. he didn’t quite know how to answer that one, so he just said yes and ran out of there before he burst out laughing. He came to our room and told me all about that last quip.