I look in the mirror and and wonder where I had gone. Where did that flawless, youthful looking me go? Why is this middle aged woman with slack, lackluster and wrinkled face staring back at me? I had started to panic, I was scared I had missed something in between youth and middle age. How did I get here so fast?

Then, swift like a douse of cold water, I remember. It was that thing that happened a long time ago when I decided I deserved more. It was that time when I chose to follow my heart and be with a man. Not just any man, mind you. I wanted one who could make me laugh. Well, he was handsome too, but that’s not supposed to matter

The thing is, the more I look at myself in the mirror lately, I remember now why I look this way and it makes me happy. I get more beautiful the more I stare at myself.

I see every line on my face and remember the countless moments when we laughed so hard our stomaches ached.

I remember all the times when I cried I was so happy.

I was always beautiful even during the times when I looked worn, fat and unkept. I didn’t need a mirror then, I just needed his eyes.

When I went to look for a new bathing suit this past summer, I realized why the skirted one piece and tankinis were so popular with women my age and there were no yellow polka dotted bits in that department.

But I looked closer and realized that my body has become a map. It has gone and done what even my journals and blogs could not do. It has recorded every important milestone in my life and created this landscape on me. Every peak and valley, every twist and turn were all right there. All the parts are laid out just as they were meant to be. Raw, unaltered, honest and well-worn.

All I have to do is to look and realize… Hey, I don’t look bad at all! In fact, I do believe that man is not joking whenever he marvels at how beautiful I am…. wrinkles and all.

There’s a meme going on in Facebook where you update your status everyday, from now until Thanksgiving with one thing that you are thankful for. I’ll try to do that here too although I’m not going to promise posting everyday. My nablopomo days are over so I won’t make any promises I can’t keep.

Today I was thankful that I have a job. That is especially relevant since yesterday was the second round of lay offs at my job and I just lost some very good friends. My department was stripped down to half and I am one of the lucky who avoided being cut.

Although, the more I think about it, I don’t know that lucky is the right word for my situation right now. I may end up doing double and triple duties in the coming months, but today, I am thankful that I still have a job.

I will miss some awesome ladies, colleagues who have been like family these past eight years since I started working here. I will miss them. A LOT!

I posted this poem here before, I have it written in my journal/notebook that I carry with me all the time. Sometimes when I’m sitting waiting for the kids to get out of school or practice or whatever it is they may be doing, I take out my notebook and either write or just read what I’ve scribbled in the past.

The other day, I was feeling a little down.

The bills were coming due and more expenses were to be expected. It is, after all, end of the year already and the girls’ activities and expenses are increasing as we speak. I was thinking how it totally sucks that everytime unexpected expenses come up, I have to figure out a way to juggle this and that without having to go to the “borrowing from Paul to pay Peter” route. I was thinking I would write all about my suckiness in my notebook.

Then, I stumbled across this poem as I was flipping through the pages…

Last night I cooked garlic fried chicken wings, fried tilapia, spaghetti and showpeas with yellow peppers for dinner. I cooked it pretty fast, too. Considering I got home at six, we were ready to eat by 7:30. Right when I called, “dinner’s ready” and everyone was milling around the kitchen getting their plates, the power goes out!

There was still a bit of light outside so we opened the window for light and went searching for flashlights and candles. Usually by the time we get find the flashlights the power switches back on. But not last night. So we got comfortable and settled down for a candle lit dinner. The Clone thought it was a swell idea. Even called it romantic.

Well, it was…. a swell idea.

We ate, fully expecting the lights to back on after dinner. But no, still no light after dinner. So we sat/laid around and just talked. No computers, no TV, no phone, no interruptions. Just us, talking the night away…. in the dark.

That was… romantic.