Category Archives: relationships

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Mad Woman

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Never make a woman angry. Women may be the weaker, meeker sex; but women have a vicious temper that is manifested in calculated deliverance.

Hubby always says that about me. I don’t get into petty arguments, I let him win rather than bicker. When he’s being foul, I let him be until his moment has passed. I bid my time. Sometimes I even let a hateful word or a mean streak pass…

Then one day out of the blue, just when he has gotten complacent in the fact that he has somehow gotten away with a misdeed, WHAAM!! No, not in the violent, physical sense. It is usually in the form of the silent treatment or a snide comment seemingly coming out of nowhere that leaves him looking bewildered, scratching his head why the attack happened. He has since learned to live with these episodes….he treads lightly now.

We just figured out this week how early this trait starts developing among girls. My youngest daughter, The Clone, has got it bad.

She got in trouble at school last week. She was cited for fighting. When we received the call from the principal, we could not believe our ears!

We had gotten used to receiving glowing compliments about our girls, this news hit us hard. As hard as if we had been dragged ourselves to the principal’s office to be chastised. The principal said that The Clone has scratched a boy so hard that blood was drawn. She said that The Clone did not give a reason for doing what she did. She was so distraught by the time she got to the office that The Clone told the principal she didn’t want to talk about it.

The Clone is a woman of few words and more of a doer. She has made succinctness into an art, using as few words as possible to relay a story. So it took about a couple of days and lots of cajoling from me to slowly pull the whole story out of her in bits and pieces.

Apparently, this boy has called her a baby and several other names everytime they encountered each other in the past. He is not in her class, he is on the same grade level but has a different teacher so they pass each other occasionally in the hall ways or sometimes happen to be out on the playground at the same time.

On this day last week, she spied him playing with another girl on the playground. He hadn’t spoken to her on that fateful day, but one of her friends told her that the boy called her a baby yet again. Not to her face though, mind you. According to eyewitness account and her eventual confession later under duress, she approached him unprovoked and took a swat at him. Started to walk away but decided it wasn’t enough, so she doubled back and dealt another blow, this time drawing blood. By this time the teachers have gotten ahold of her and pulled her away from him. By the time they got her into the principals office, she had decided to plead the fifth and would not say a word.

By the time we got there to pick her up an hour later, she was in tears before she even got to the car. She knew she was in trouble.

I actually felt bad for her. I didn’t want to beat her up more than she was already beating herself. But she did get lots of talking to from her dad and her sisters. I didn’t really do much more than try to get the story out of her, they had done enough of that for me. I was the good cop.

During the process of rehashing her deed over and over again, we all eventually manage to smile about it. In large part due to the dry wit from the clone herself. Here are a couple more cloneisms.

While trying to draw the story out of her, I was asking her if he came up to her and called her a baby, or if he touched her, or whatever that may have provoked her. She says in her matter of fact voice,

“Well, he’s been doing it a lot before. And I don’t see him often because he’s in the other class. This was my only chance!”

Then later on, when I was telling her good night. I said, ‘night my juvenile delinquent. She said, I’m not!! So I said, well, aren’t bad kids the only ones who get get into fights? So if you got got into a fight with a boy, you must have been a bad girl. She goes…..

I am not! I’m just a good girl who snapped!

:O

Listen

Orange-LilyRaising teenagers now is different from when I was growing up. I can’t say that it is for the better or worse, I can only comment from my own experience.

My two older daughters are just at the cusp of teen-agerdom (13 & 14 years old) so I probably haven’t yet experienced the full brunt of raising teens, especially girls. However, when I think back to the time when I was their age (a looong time ago it seems) I remember feeling more mature than I see them. I also remember feeling as if the world revolved around me. That the things happening directly to me are what mattered, and everything else was for decoration.

I try to keep that in mind when I start to think what self-centered creatures these girls are. I remind myself I was that way too; when I was much bigger than the world. I remind myself to let them find their space in this world; To shrink back and realize what a great big wonderful world this is that they have a very small part in. I want them to grow and realize that they have to make the best of the small space they occupy and maybe leave it a tad better than when they found it.

To help them do that, I have to listen to them. I mean really listen even when they don’t seem to be making sense. I listen not necessarily so I can tell them what to do next, god knows I still don’t know what to do next myself. But I let them talk so that they can talk their way through whatever situation they are in. I let them talk even when what they are saying stings.

That is what happened when my oldest Asi wrote the poem below. It stung. But even as parents we are still learning too, and this is a lesson she taught. She titled it listen, and that is what I try to do now.

Listen

Why do you criticize,
when you don’t even listen?
Because you don’t hear me,
how do you know me?

You’ve never asked,
so I’ve never told.
How can you say that I’m hateful?
When you’re ten times worse.

You keep saying,
“I only want what’s best for you.”
But you just keep yelling.

Why do you look for a reason to yell?
But keep promising otherwise.
You’re my dad and I know you worry.
But have you ever thought?

Even just once truly ever asked,
“Do you want to talk?”
I remember once you did,
And I tried, I really did.

But one sentence later,
you burst into another lecture.

Then another time we sat,
Again to talk once more.
And you brought down all my hopes
of getting through to you once again.

I’ve gone to mom, and talked to her,
But once again you came,
Like a thunderstorm you came,
And pointed out all the problems you thought I had.

And told me I had no reason to cry.
You know nothing.
So why can’t you simply sit and listen?
I do the same for you and everyone else.

Why can’t everyone do the same for me?
Why do you ask questions, but wait for no answers?
They’re not rhetorical,
And you know it’s true.

It’s like talking to the dead,
Who no longer have ears.
Why don’t you listen, and try to understand?
How can you be so deaf?

Light Bulb Moment = Epiphany

ATT3First, I must apologize to Rose for being so late with answers to her question of the week. I do love the idea of this question of the week. It not only tickles ideas to blog about from this old brain of mine, it’s also a great way for some introspection. I am a question behind, but as I looked at the questions, I realized my epiphany was also one of the most challenging obstacles I have had to overcome.

1st Question of the Week: Epiphany is defined as “a sudden, powerful, and often spiritual or life-changing realization that a character experiences in an otherwise ordinary moment.” Have you experienced a moment of epiphany when at that very moment your life was altered? If so, tell me about it?

2nd Question of the Week: Life is anything, but easy. Often times we must overcome obstacles on the way to our goals. Describe the most challenging obstacle you’ve had to overcome.

Most people confuse weddings with funerals marriage. While the wedding, a celebration, is a one-time event, marriage is a constantly evolving and learning process. The longer I have been married, the more I am convinced that the key to success is flexibility. We must be able to change with the tide, dance to the tune, and sway with the wind. The epiphany for me came during one of our battles.

You see, I am a pleaser. I like to have everyone happy, I hate to have someone mad at me, I like for everyone to like me. But I realized, during one of our arguments/discussions, that it is possible for him to love me but not like me and vice versa. My first reaction of course was, “how dare he not like ME?” What did I do wrong? How can I fix it? How I can I get him to like me again?

After I recovered from my indignation, I realized it’s true (I’m not perfect). There are thing about him that I don’t like and things he does that I don’t agree with, but that doesn’t mean I love him less, and the same goes with him toward me.

It is liberating to be able to say, I love you, but you are wrong, or that sucks! and remain secure in the knowledge that he won’t love me less.

The challenge I am still grappling with is in accepting that I can’t be perfect in his eyes all the time. I disappoint him at times, I anger him, I irritate him, but that’s ok. It doesn’t mean I am a bad person. It just means I have a lot to learn, and learn i do. Everyday. Everyday, I must take a bite of humble pie no matter how hard it is to swallow because that is what marriage is all about and because I do love HIM.

So how about you? Have you had an epiphany lately or have you had a challenge to overcome? Share with me, and please leave a link if you decide to make it a post on your blog too.

A Parent’s Wish

My Father’s Day post is a bit late, but as my hubby who is also a great father says, everyday is Father’s Day. It’s true. I have been blessed by a number of father figures in my life and they were all wonderful, strong and loving men, but I only have one dad, and this is he. My dad, I have always known, is fallible, he is human and had never tried to hide it. He was never the macho stereotype of fathers. He always admitted he doesn’t always know what is best. He too is muddling his way through life as we all do. But always, as he makes his way in life, he tries to remain true to his principles. He always tries to do the right thing even when it isn’t always easy; and I guess that is all we are expected to do in this life. This is a lesson he taught me and my sisters. From my father, I learned how to enjoy life, to learn what joie de vivre really means. Having a good time? My dad was really good at it.

I also got my foodie tendencies from him. Our usual conversations usually run like this:
ME: Hi pop, what you doin’?
POP: Hi Nette, aglutluto ak (I’m cooking). I was at the store and they had fresh sapsap, so I bought some.
ME: Yeah? Me too, I’m cooking dinner too.
POP: What are you cooking?
ME: Just chicken for the kids…and some green beans.
POP: That would have been good if you made tinola.
ME: Yeah? you put green beans in tinola? I thought that is only for ‘anger’ (nilaga or boiled dish)?
POP: Yaaa, you can use any vegetable you like.

And the conversation can go on and on about food and other inanities, but it’s how we connect. When I was growing up, he didn’t say I love you much, it just wasn’t done. But now we end our conversations with I love you.

He is getting older now, and a bit slower. He doesn’t do as much as he used to, he doesn’t have as much of a ‘good time’ as he used to. It saddens me sometimes to see him slow down, it seems to happen overnight. I resign myself to the situation, and accept it as part of the cycle. He is slowly becoming more and more dependent on my sisters and I now. I just hope we won’t let him down, and respect him as he has always respected us.

I received this email from friends earlier, and it is so fitting for us who have aging parents and are also aging ourselves. I hope my children will heed this message, for it is my wish too.

Watch the video, it is really touching. A Parent’s Wish

Money, Money, Money

An excerpt from my diary:

I always said money is not important. It is merely the means to get things you want. It is not a driving force, it is merely a tool. I found out, money becomes important when it becomes the means to get what you need. Then one becomes protective of it, just like a treasured loved one. You feel betrayed when it turns its back on you. You grieve when it is lost to you.

MONEY is power. Power over yourself, power over your ability to function is a money driven world. It is the underlying force in self-reliance, independence, love, life, self-respect.

The topic this month on Blogkadahan, the group blog I belong to, is poverty. Poverty and the different ways we perceive it. Thinking about the topic and looking back on my journal, I realize this isn’t the first time I’ve thought about the subject. Well, I think about money and the things that make someone poor all the time, I just didn’t realize I wrote something down about it. So this weekend, I wrote more about the subject. One view is on blogkadahan and the other is in our kitchen. Yes, in our kitchen. That is the first place poverty rears its ugly head in, it just depends on the cook how to serve it up 😉

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Is money really the root of all evil? Probably not, but a lot of evil sure comes for want of more money.

Apprentice Theme Song — For the Love of Money

Money money money money, money
Some people got to have it
Some people really need it

Listen to me y’all,
do things, do things,
do bad things with it
You wanna do things,
do things, do things,
good things with it

Talk about cash money, money
Talk about cash money- dollar bills, yall
For the love of money
People will steal from their mother
For the love of money
People will rob their own brother
For the love of money

People can’t even walk the street
Because they never know who
in the world they’re gonna beat
For that lean, mean, mean green
Almighty dollar, money

For the love of money
People will lie,
Lord, they will cheat
For the love of money

People don’t care who they hurt or beat
For the love of money
A woman will sell her precious body
For a small piece of paper
it carries a lot of weight

Call it lean, mean, mean green
Almighty dollar
I know money is the root of all evil

Do funny things to some people
Give me a nickel, brother can you spare a dime
Money can drive some people out of their minds
Got to have it, I really need it

How many things have I heard you say
Some people really need it
How many things have I heard you say
Got to have it, I really need it

How many things have I heard you say
Lay down, lay down, a woman will lay down
For the love of money
All for the love of money

Don’t let, don’t let, don’t let money rule you
For the love of money
Money can change people sometimes
Don’t let, don’t let, don’t let money fool you
Money can fool people sometimes

People! Don’t let money,
dont let money change you,
it will keep on changing,
changing up your mind.

Music and Lyrics by: The O’Jays